I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
