I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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