if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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