I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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