Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
