I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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