You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
