i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
