I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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