***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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