how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
