Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
