the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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