you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
