drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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