And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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