Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
