You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
