Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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