Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
