I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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