Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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