Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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