i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
