I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
