We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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