dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
