I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
