I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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