She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
