shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
