you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
