she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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