We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
