Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
