just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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