i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
