just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
