3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have already put on my inside pants.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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