is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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