At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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