She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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