Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
