Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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