Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
