why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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