Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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