Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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