i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
