you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
