she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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