I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
