why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
