Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
